First, a little about me. I am 22, and I am obese. I don't mean skinny girl feels like a fat girl, I am literally obese. My BMI is 50. It is humiliating and painful. I literally hate myself most days. Food and exercise is all that I think about. I have a very unhealthy relationship with food. Just because I am fat, though, does not save me from having an ED. I am most definitely EDNOS. I go through periods of extreme dieting, either following fad diets or severe calorie restriction. Other times I binge like crazy, purging and over-exercising to compensate. If I am not doing either of those, I am eating compulsively, going through episodes where I am eating in secret, with no control. It is disgusting. I am ashamed. When I am binging, stuffing my face like the fat pig that I am, I do not feel even human. The only time I feel like myself is when I am losing. Every time I step on the scale and see that number less than the day before, I feel better. Out of all my cycling, the only time I feel like I can breathe is with Ana. When I am empty, when I am not eating, that is the only time I am in control. I spend so much time with no control. I am taking control now. Today.
With that said, ED's are no joke, no game. I have a problem, I know I do. And the way I choose to handle it is not for everyone. Ana/Mia is not a choice, it's not glamorous or trendy or fun. I am a miserable, unhealthy, unhappy person, and the way I choose to live is probably not the best option. If you think you need help, get it. There are hotlines, websites, counselors... A million people that want to help you. One other other thing to note, I am twenty-two. Twenty-two, not fourteen, not seventeen. Twenty-two. I am an adult who has lived with this my entire life. If you are a kid, I have to stress to you even more, this is not a game. Get help. Get healthy. I am trapped here, you don't have to be.
Alright, with that said, lets get down to it. Thank you for visiting my blog, I am really looking forward to building connections and friendships. I am going to use the old format, daily weight & nutrition info, thoughts, and some thinspo. I post lots of love to friends, and I love getting love too. So let's get to it.
HW-297
LW-140
CW-286 (oh good god I have a long way to go!)
GW-98
Some thinspo for today:
Much love! Stay strong!
I know what you mean, I am 19 and have had Mia since I was 13. I don't do it everyday and it only happens in episodes. I also have episodes of severe calorie restriction as well. I wouldn't say I have Ana because of the fact that restriction has never lasted long. And as for Mia, I get it for a while. I do not bienge at all when I purge, I eat normal and purge what I eat. I haven't purged at all this "diet". You will get there.
ReplyDeleteXOXO-
Victoria